Pit Stop

Hindi ako nakapag-comment sa year in review ko. Hindi ko muna maatupag yung reflection ko on my immersion kasi medyo sabaw ang utak ko dahil sa sipon (yak!).

Napansin ko lang na puro mga summaries lang ang pinopost ko rito sa blog ko over the past year. Kung hindi naman yon, puro naman ang-tagal-ko-nang-hindi-nagsusulat-ng-matino-dito posts. Or puro pictures naman. Hay. Ewan ko. Walang panahon. Laging may ginagawa o kailangang alalahanin.

Naiinis pa rin ako hanggang ngayon, kasi gusto kong manahimik at maglaan ng panahon para pag-isipan ang mga dapat kong pag-isipan ngayong malapit na akong magtapos sa pag-aaral. Ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko? Magtuturo ba talaga ako? Mag-co-corporate ba ako (Please, Lord, huwag.)? Sasali ba ako sa JVP? Kukuha na ba ako ng M.A.? Magbabakasyon ba muna ako? Tutulong ba ako sa family business? Magmamadre ba ako? (Yes, napag-iisipan ko rin 'yan.)

Syempre hindi lang yan kinabukasan ko ang pinag-iisipan ko. Pati yung mga magulang ko na unti-unti nang tinatamaan ng mga sakit. Ano na ang mangyayari pag biglang may mawala sa kanila? Paano kaming magkakapatid? Paano ang negosyo? Si kuya, wala pa ring trabaho. Anong mangyayari sa kanya? Ang nakababata kong kapatid, na madalas pasaway at gastador, anong mangyayari sa kinabukasan nya?

At si Mahal. Ano'ng mangyayari 'pag balik n'ya? (Hanggang d'yan na lang muna ang tanong tungkol sa kanya.)

At ang pinakaimportante pero laging naisasantabi: si Lord. Kailan kaya ako makakabalik sa Kanya? Kailan ko tatanggalin ang poot at katigasan ng ulo ko para matanggap ko Siyang muli sa buhay ko? Handa ba akong tanggapin Siya ngayong Kapaskuhan?

Ang bilis-bilis ng mga pangyayari. Sana makapagnilay-nilay ako nang kaunti ngayong bakasyon.

Pero bago ang lahat, party muna! Woohoo!!! Sana dumating na ang mga tao! hehe!Ü

A Short Word From Our Sponsors

I know, I know, sabi ko sa last entry ko I'll be posting my 'reflections' on my Immersion. I still need more quiet time to finish it kaya I'm postponing it until after classes are done. (Our last day is on Wednesday pa. Arrgh.)

For now, ito na muna. Natuwa kasi ako sa idea na 'to. Got it from Bits's blog:

Take the first sentence (or two) from the first post of each month of 2005. That's your year in review.Ü

Jan: THE DISTANCE
Feb: Birth Data for Denise:
Mar: BaliKatTanDate: 28 January 2005; Model: Kat; Venue: ACIL Room
*no entries for April*
May: Bantay
June: Schedule for this coming semester:
July: It's been a loooong while since I poured in my thoughts here.
Aug: This was my Friendster Horoscope from July 30:
Sept: First time ko'ng mag-overnight sa bahay ng kaibigan last Friday night.
Oct: I am a mere spectator
Nov: What I've accomplished so far since October 14 (last day of exams), in no particular order:
Dec: Halos isang buwan din akong hindi nagsulat dito.

Updates

Halos isang buwan din akong hindi nagsulat dito. Bakit? Nakita n'yo naman ang schedule ko di ba? Pero kahit na mahahaba ang breaks ko, nakakain din dahil sa dami ng ginagawa: field work for thesis, ACIL Caroling practices, at ACIL Week activities. Siguro mabuting ilista ko na lang muna kung anu-ano ang mga nagawa ko over the past weeks. Sa tingin ko may mga nakalimutan na ako, pero susubukan kong tandaan.

1. Nanood ng 'Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire' at 'Prime' with my family
2. Nakapagpasa ng papel para sa Theology
3. Naging 'alipin' ng klase (class beadle) sa Theology
4. Tumugtog ng bamboo instruments sa Philippine Music class (e.g. tongatong, bungkaka, pateteg, kubing, saggeypo)
5. Nag-commute papuntang Batasan para sa thesis (dalawang beses na)
6. Nag-attend (at sana patuloy pa) sa caroling practices (na dating hindi ko magawa)
7. Kumanta sa harapan ng ACIL alumni sa College Chapel (dalawang beses)
8. Nag-IC kay Ma'am Rina ng CMO nang dalawang oras
9. Sumali sa 8-Day Retreat for Seniors na gaganapin sa Marso (pero hindi pa ako pinapayagan)
10. Pumunta ng Marikina kasama si TJ at napadpad ng Blue Wave Marikina para kumain ng pananghalian at mag-Starbucks (sa uulitin!Ü)
11. Nag-make-up class ng Sabado ng umaga (Pol Sci)
12. Nag-breakdown pagkatapos pa lang ng dalawang linggo sa eskwelahan
13. Nagpa-photocopy kay Ate Alma ng wroth P1,392.00 (!) para sa thesis
14. Nag-immersion sa Pangarap Foundation (Pasay-Taft) nitong nakaraang weekend

Kwento tungkol sa immersion sa susunod na entry. Abangan.

576: Lintik na numero ka.

Monday
830-930AM Politics & Governance
330-430PM A Theology of the Catholic Social Vision
430-730PM Training Administration Design

Tuesday & Thursday
12-130PM Research in Psychology II
430-6PM Philosophy of Religion
6-730PM Philippine Music & Culture

Wednesday & Friday
830-930AM Politics & Governance
330-430PM A Theology of the Catholic Social Vision


There's something wrong with this schedule.

Can you enumerate ALL of them?

Pampered

What I've accomplished so far since October 14 (last day of exams), in no particular order:
1. read Harry Potter 6
2. read Series of Unfortunate Events Book 4 (will finish Book 5 by this evening)
3. watched Carnivale Seasons 1 & 2
4. my last ACIL Form Sem (huhuhu)
5. started Christmas shopping
6. done thesis work
7. gone to see my grandma & my other cousins after a LONG time
8. gone out during weekends with my family
9. helped out in the family business
10. bought me 2 CDs: Alicia Keys Unplugged & Orange and Lemons!
11. got me a new 'do (finally!)
12. got me 4 new shirts from Bench (yes, Bench na naman haha!)
13. watched other DVDs (forgot the title of the movies)
14. got good grades from last semester! (sacrifice does pay off!)
15. got me a pair of closed shoes from Rockport (it was on sale! one thou bucks off! unbelievable!)
16. starting to learn how to use Photoshop
17. got my mom out of the hospital (whee!!)

Pending:
1. article for Ite
2. registration on Thursday
3. CLEAN MY ROOM (hahaha!)

Language[s] of a Lost Love

Awit ng Pag-ibig XX
Salin ni Virgilio S. Almario

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.

Maisusulat ko, halimbawa: "Mabituin ang gabi
at nanginginig, bughaw ang mga tala sa malayo."

Lumiligid sa langit ang simoy-gabi at umaawit.

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.
Minahal ko siya, at minahal din niya ako paminsan-minsan.

Sa mga gabing ganito, ibinilanggo ko siya sa aking mga bisig.
Ulit-ulit ko siyang hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.

Minahal niya ako, paminsan-minsan ko rin siyang minahal.
Sino ang hindi iibig sa kaniyang malalaki't mga matang tahimik.

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalungkot na berso ngayong gabi.
Maiisip kasing hindi na siya akin. Madaramang wala na siya sa akin.

Maririnig ang gabing malawak, at mas lumalawak kung wala siya.
At pumapatak sa kaluluwa ang bersong tila hamog sa pastulan.

Maano kung hindi siya mabantayan ng aking pag-ibig.
Mabituin ang gabi at hindi siya kapiling.

Ito na ang lahat. May umaawit sa malayo. Sa malayo.
Hindi mapanatag ang kaluluwa ko sa pagkawala niya.

Upang waring ilapit siya, hinahanap siya ng aking mata.
Hinahanap siya ng aking puso, at hindi siya kapiling.

Ganito rin ang gabing nagpapusyaw sa ganito ring mga punongkahoy.
Kami, sa tagpong iyon, ang nagbago.

Hindi ko na siya mahal, natitiyak ko, ngunit minahal ko siya nang todo.
Hinahanap ng tinig ko ang simoy upang hipuin ang kaniyang pandinig.

Nasa iba. Siya'y nasa iba. Tulad noong katalik siya ng aking mga halik.
Ang kaniyang tinig, malinaw na katawan. Ang kaniyang matang walang-hanggan.

Hindi ko na siya mahal, natitiyak ko, ngunit baka mahal ko siya.
Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, napakahaba ng paglimot.

Dahil sa mga gabing ganito na ibinilanggo ko siya sa aking mga bisig
hindi mapanatag ang kaluluwa ko sa pagkawala niya.

Kahit ito na ang huling pighating ipapataw niya sa akin,
at ito ang huling mga bersong isusulat ko para sa kaniya.

¤---------------------------------------------------------------¤

XX Tonight I Can Write...
Translated by W.S. Merwin

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


Translations of Pablo Neruda's 'XX Puedo Escribir Los Versos...'

¤SiGh¤

Pic taken by me at Picnic Groove, Tagaytay

21 October 2005, Friday

Happy 4th Anniversary of Love

Hazel & Francis

Idol ko talaga kayo.

¤SiGh¤

Don't Ask Why

List of my feelings at this very moment (in no particular order):

jealous

angry

bitter

envious

self-pity

disappointed

betrayed

restless

depressed

slightly hopeless

frustrated

Lord, kaunting tulong naman, please.

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Lazarus

I MISSED YOU LUKE!!!Ü

Evolution

2nd Year, 2nd Sem

3rd Year, 2nd Sem

4th Year, 1st Sem

Hangad ko'y Patawanin Ka

Happy 22nd Birthday
Tristan Joel T. San Jose

Nagawan na kita ng testimonial sa Friendster kanina pero tinamaan ako ng Senior's Syndrome at nagkaroon ako ng short trip down memory lane. Natandaan ko na partners pala tayo sa Ballroom Dancing nung 2nd Sem during our freshman year. Tapos itong picture na ito, remember this? Social Psych class with Ma'am Bo Peep. Nagpupumilit magmukhang serious, hindi naman maitago ang kapilyuhan. hahaha! Cheers to you TJ!Ü

To-Die List

¤ Thesis Proposal Defense (tomorrow!)

¤ Abnormal Psychology Case Study (Thursday!)

¤ History Bonus Project (Friday!)

¤ Educational Psychology Reflection Paper (overdue!)

¤ Theology 151 Final Oral Exam (next Monday!)

¤ Educational Psychology Final Exam (next Wednesday!)

¤ Thesis Final Proposal (next Friday!)

¤ Abnormal Psychology Final Exam (next Friday also!)

¤ Philosophy 104 Final Oral Exam (next Friday pa rin! last exam!)

¤ ACIL Evaluation Seminar & Formation Seminar Preparations (super overdue! waaahh!!!)


At wala akong sem break dahil sa thesis work. Shet.

2003 Ü

Bago pa man tayo nag-ibigan, nagmahalan muna tayo bilang magkaibigan.

Oo, minahal muna kita bago kita inibig.

Ang Minsan ay Magpakailanman

Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan
by Basil Valdez

Gaano kadalas ang minsan lang ka mahagkan,
Sindalas na rin ng dami ng bituin waring walang hanggan.
Dahil sa labi ko'y laging mararamdaman,
Kahit sandali halik mo'y dumampi minsan.

Gaano kadalas ang makapiling kang minsan,
Sa kin sindalas ng walang wakas, saglit mang magpisan.
Dahil sa ganoong paraan lang mag-iisa,
Kung magsasanib ang dalawang dibdib di ba.

Ngunit(dahil)kung pag-ibig ay hindi rin lang wagas
Mabuti pa, mabuti nga, mabuti ang hanggang maaga'y magwakas
Pagkukunwari'y itago man ay lalabas
At minsan kang matuklasan hapdi'y walang kasing dalas.

Gaano kadalas ang minsan mo akong saktan,
Kahit minsan lang sa 'kin para bang walang katapusan.
Gaano kadalas ba ang puso'y namamatay,
Gaano kadalas, gaano kadalas ang minsan?

¤---------------------------------------------------¤

Minsan Lang Kitang Iibigin
by Ariel Rivera

Mahal pangako sa iyo hindi magbabago
Ikaw lang ang iibigin ko
Kahit ikaw ay lumayo at masaktan ako
Asahan na 'di maglalaho

Ang pag-ibig ko'y alay sa 'yo lamang
Kung kaya giliw dapat mong malaman

Minsan lang kitang iibigin
Minsan lang kitang mamahalin
Ang pagmamahal sa 'yo'y walang hangganan
Dahil ang minsan ay magpakailanman

Minsan lamang sa buhay ko ang 'sang katulad mo
Ako rin ba'y iniibig mo
Tupdin, puso'y sumasamo sumusumpa sa 'yo
Ikaw ang tanging dalangin ko

Voyeur

I am a mere spectator
To the beauty you are growing into.
All I can do is sit on my chair
As I watch you sing your melody.
I am moved by your song --
Its words, its hymn, its everything.
I watch you as you let the music escape from your lips
And reach into my soul
Like you have a thousand times before.

I am a mere spectator
To the minstrel you are becoming.
All I can do is applaud with the others
As I sit on my chair,
Silently wishing we can sing a duet.


Inspired by last night's Café Loyola & Norah Jones's "Those Sweet Words."

Before the night is done, I just have to hear those sweet words spoken like a melody.

Ode to my Non-existent Philo Paper

Pilit kong pinipiga ang aking utak
Upang mailabas ang mga salita
Na s'yang pupukaw sa iyong damdamin.
Maghapong lumipas na hindi na maibabalik pa
ang nagbabanta sa bawat hakbang ng oras --
Papalapit nang papalapit
Ngunit tila lumalayo nang lumalayo.
Lumilipad, tumatalon, umiikot, nawawala, bumabalik
"Heto na naman," ika nga ni Gary V.

Pagbigay Pugay

I would like to express my gratitude to those who helped me 'Vicky-Belo' this blog:

1. Bro. Ryan Echevarria, SJ: Dahil nakita ko sa blog mo na may links ka, nagtaka ako bakit 'yung akin wala. Tapos tiningnan ko 'yung template ng blog ko (kahit na wala ako'ng alam sa mga html chuva) at hinanap kung saan pwede maglagay ng links. At nakita ko rin sa pinakadulo ng blog mo na nilagyan mo ng quote, sabi ko, gusto ko rin, kaya hinanap ko rin kung saan 'yun. And voila! Meron na! Whee!!!

2. Nicolo Ludovice: Dahil nakita ko sa blog n'ya na iba 'yung nakalagay sa 'comments' part ng entries n'ya, tinanong ko s'ya paano ko mababago 'yung akin. S'ya rin ang nakaisip ng ipapalit ko'ng pangalan doon! Whee!!!

3. Hazel Nakpil-Castillo: Dahil nakita ko na may sitemeter ka (at si Bro Ryan) at tagboard, nainggit ako at tinanong ko kung paano maglagay ng mga ganoon sa blog ko. Faster than a speeding bullet ka'ng nag-e-mail ng instructions at sinabihan mo pa akong SMART to figure it out.Ü Yessss!!! hahaha

4. Matthew Dy: Dahil sa pag-recommend mo ng tagboard site, napadali ang paglagay ko nito sa aking bloggie. Tama ka nga, super one-two-three magic lang s'ya gawin! Bibidibobidiboo!

5. Jong Figueroa: Dahil nakita ko sa Friendster account mo 'yung John Legend video, pinuntahan ko kaagad 'yung site at kinopya ko rito at pati sa Friendster account ko. I had to adjust the video player size though kasi masyadong malapad 'yung original size ng video player para sa sidebar ko rito sa blog. Buti na lang din at madaling sundin ang instructions sa pag-resize kundi sabog na ang itsura ng blog ko. hehehe

Oo na. Gaya-gaya na ako. Hahaha!

I was born to love deeply.Ü

My Friendster Horoscope:

The Bottom Line
Get ready -- those flirt-filled conversations will finally add up to something real.

In Detail
Are you postponing taking that next big love step because you're afraid? And are you afraid because everything's not 'perfect'? The stars tell you to snap out of it and stop asking yourself, 'What if?' or you could talk yourself out of a situation that may not be 'perfect,' but is actually perfect for you. You were born to love deeply, so embrace an adventure that has the potential to change your life for the better.

Napangiti ako ro'n, ah.Ü

Just wish it would happen sooner.

One of the Boys

I realized last night as I recalled all the significant 'men' that have come into my life was that a great majority of them are or were seminarians. Yes, religious, aspiring-to-be-priests folk. I would like to blame ACIL for this. Then again, I have always been one of the boys, even considering the fact that I graduated from an exclusive Catholic Chinese school for girls. Maybe it's because there are 3 guys in my family & that I have many guy cousins. Maybe it's also because I came from a co-ed school before transferring to the exclusive school. Maybe. Maybe.

One of the first people I became close to in college was my male blockmate, Ryan. Though we don't talk to or see each other as much, we still have that great brother-and-sister banter we got so used to having.

There's also TJ. We don't have the same relationship as I have with Ryan but I can say that we're pretty good friends. He's more of a PG-13 as opposed to Ryan who is a definite R-18. hahaha

My ACIL male friends are a combination of TJs & Ryans, which is a good mix, & is probably one of the reasons why I have good relationships with them.

Then there were the seminarians. First wave: San Jose Seminary boys. Had crushes on some of them, I admit. (Sa kaunti ba naman nila, I'm sure you can guess who they are. haha) I still recall the late nights I would spend with them, either going out for a movie, or eating & sight-seeing at Riverbanks, or simply talking the hours away while lounging on their 'Smoker's Pocket Garden' overlooking the Marikina Valley. Those were the times... Just for the record, I don't go there anymore, save for that one time last month when we reviewed for our Philo exam.

Second wave: Jesuit Scholastics. There was Nono, the two Ryans (Kalbo & Rai), & Bro Art. For some weird & inexplicable reason, I have an ease in sharing my heart & soul to these guys. Not just that, I feel comfortable with them to the point that I barely see their 'religious' side. This still puzzles me up to now.

The constant presence of the seminarians in my life suddenly made me think that maybe they're the reason why I still do not have a boyfriend. Yes, a far-fetched hypothesis. (Guys, don't kill me for this. hehehe) Nevertheless, I'm quite blessed to have those seminarians as my friends. Like I told one of my ACIL friends, I would want to have my first drinking session with my Jesuit friends, since I have no idea of how I am when I'm drunk, at least I know that I'll be safe with them. Right guys?Ü

Anthem

Kwarto
by: Sugarfree
¤ Thanks, Rai!Ü ¤

Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

Mga liham ng nilihim kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan-dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayo’y kailangan nang itapon

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Na inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses na tayo’y nasaktan

Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan-dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto’t naroon siya

Magpapaalam na sa 'yo ang aking kwarto


¤ Wish ko lang. ¤

Deadline

Tumatakbo
By: MOJOFLY

Laging bigo laging sawi sa pag-ibig
Minamalas o kay sakit
May balat nga ba ako sa pwet
Mabuti pa ang tindera sa aming kanto
Nakakainggit TL ang sweet nila ng
Kanyang nobyo
Gusto ko lang maranasang umibig
Tamaan ng kupido
Gusto ko lang maranasan ang langit
Tumibok muli ang puso ko

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako
Ng panahon
Di na nagbago bawat araw pare-pareho
Parang kahapon

May birthday cake ka nga
Ngunit wala naman kandila
May Christmas tree na malupit
Wala naman dekorasyong pansabit
Sadyang ganyan ang aking buhay
Walang kasing tamlay
Ayoko sanang tumandang nag-iisa

Tatanggapin na lang ba ang malupit
Na tadhana o kaya'y
Tatanggapin na lang ba na ako'y
Sadyang hindi pinagpala?
Tigilan na ang drama
Punasan na ang luha

Senior's Stress

Overview of my schedule for the following weeks:

Mon, Sept 19: Revised thesis proposal

Tue, Sept 20: Abnormal Psy quiz; History graded recitation & quiz; Call UPIS to confirm participation in pilot

Thurs, Sept 22: Educ Psy Reflection Paper; History bonus paper

Fri, Sept 23: ACIL Liquidation Report to OSA; go to Roque's house for Theo project

Sat-Sun, Sept 24-25: Finalization of Thesis Proposal

Mon, Sept 26: Philosophy paper (yuck); Theo project; ACIL Statement of Receipts & Expenses to COA

Tue, Sept 27: Abnormal Psy Case Study; Final Thesis Proposal

Thurs, Sept 29: Abnormal Psy Exam; Educ Psy Refelction Paper; History Exam; History Final Project Proposal

Fri-Sun, Sept 30-Oct 2: Preparation for Thesis Proposal Defense

Mon, Oct 3: Thesis Proposal Defense

Hibernate

Napakagaling ko talaga. Umuwi ako ng mga 4:00PM kahapon. Sumabay ako kay Jaya. Nakarating ako sa bahay ng mga 5:15PM. Kumain ng merienda. Sumakit ang ulo kaya natulog ng mga 5:45PM. Refused to get up from bed for dinner. Didn't get up until 5:53AM. Mahusay, Chinky.

Ilang beses akong tinanong kagabi kung maghahapunan ako. 'Di ako sumagot. Ayaw na ayaw ko kasing napuputol ang tulog ko. Kapag nangyayari ito, lalo kong gustong pahabain ang tulog ko. Kung tuluy-tuloy ang tulog ko, mas sisipagin akong bumangon. May mga dapat pa naman akong ginawa kagabi. Tulad nga ng sabi ko sa previous entry ko, dapat gagawa ako ng mga papers. Oh well.

Rationalization ko lang 'ata ito. Medyo tinamaan kasi ako ng loneliness kahapon. Defense mechanism ko marahil ang pagtulog ko para hindi ko maramdaman yung lungkot. Hay.

Nasa RSF ako ngayon. Aatupagin ko 'yung isang survey na gagamitin namin para sa thesis. Free cut yung Educ Psy class ko ng 9:00AM. Thesis consultation mamayang 12noon. Muntik ko na namang hindi i-schedule ang lunch sa araw ko. Hay. Dadalhan ako nila 3cia & Hazel ng lunch from Jollibee. Pumunta sila sa UPIS para tanungin yung principal kung pwede kaming mag-pilot ng surveys doon. Sana pumayag. Kailangan na kasi kaming mag-pilot ng isang measure namin before our defense on the 1st week of October. Stress.

Sige na nga. Trabaho na.

Beep-Beep ang Sabi ng Jeep

Attended the noise barrage yesterday along Katipunan Avenue. As evidenced by my previous entry, I didn't have enough sleep (in fact, I was running on only 2 hours of sleep). After my History class at around 4:20PM, I was supposed to go to the library (AGAIN) to study & to take a nap. It was supposed to be a compromise since I wanted to attend the 6:00PM Mass at the Gesu. Anyway, I gave in (so did Hazel -- we slept at around the same time) to Sherwin's peer pressure to join the noise barrage. So there we were, under the seemingly endless light drizzle of the afternoon, shouting our lungs out amidst the cling-clanging of metal cans & beeping cars, encouraging the other motorists to honk their car horns to show support to our cause.

At one point during the noise barrage, I'm not sure if it was because I was just drained, but I fell silent. (Yes, I was silent in a noise barrage.) I got teary-eyed. (Iyakin talaga ang lola n'yo.) Why did my eyes water? Maybe I was just so overwhelmed with the whole scenario I just described above. In all honesty though, I didn't have a really intense emotion at that moment as compared to the other times I've been overwhelmed. Then one car passed by & inside there was a little girl with a puzzled look on her face. I wondered. What could she have thought about what we were doing? In a decade or so, would she understand why we were out there in the streets? Again, I went back to ask myself of what I can do for my country in educating the youth, if ever I do pursue a teaching career. Questions, questions.

At the Mass, bigshots came (e.g. THE Cory Aquino, Dudut Jaworski, Gilbert Remulla, president of DLSU). Heard 3 speeches within the Mass: Fr. Danny's, Fr. Ben's, & Tita Cory's. The general theme was about upholding the truth, virtues, & morals. I particularly liked what Fr. Ben said about not just having accountability to the truth, but also having accountability to the poor. It's sad to accept that no matter what happens to the country, they are always at the losing end. I am now reminded of the notion that education is the great equalizer. I personally would like to believe that this is so, but even when education is supposed to be standard & unbiased, it isn't so. Again, WHAT CAN I DO?

*nostalgia: off. back to present.*

I'm planning on leaving school early today, as opposed to my usual 9:00PM departure on Wednesday evenings since the rest of the week is pretty light for me. I just hope I don't slack off again in dong my papers.

On a lighter note, it's Cha's 22nd birthday!!!Ü (Sorry girl, I don't have an embarrassing picture of you good enough to put here in my blog. hahaha)

Walk-Out

Nag-"walk-out" ako sa YM (No, hindi sa Congress. haha) nung Sunday ng gabi dahil nainis ako sa isa ko'ng kaibigan. Nothing serious naman. Kung tutuusin, ang dami na naming "fights" na tulad no'n. Sabi n'ya naiintindihan n'ya ako, pero alam ko'ng hindi. Pero in all fairness to him, naiintindihan ko rin kung bakit 'di n'ya ako maintindihan. Naintindihan n'yo ba? hahaha

Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan n'ya na kakaunti lamang ang mga talagang nakakausap ko sa tunay na nararamdaman ko, lalo na ngayon. Marahil naririndi na s'ya sa akin. 'Di ko naman s'ya masisisi. Para mailabas ko lahat, kailangang ma-verbalize ko ang mga saloobin ko. May pakiramdam na unti-unting nawawala 'yung sakit at hirap kapag nasasabi ko s'ya out loud. Minsan nga kapag hindi ko nasasabi 'yung nararamdaman ko, literal na sumasakit ang dibdib ko. Weird noh? And since kakaunti lang ang nakakausap ko tungkol sa mga drama ko sa buhay, the same people have to put up with me. Yes, you may not believe it, but I'm too much to handle.

Anyway, I think ok na kami nung friend ko. It was a momentary thing lang naman. Pero dahil doon, siguro hindi na muna ako masyado magbabahagi ng saloobin ko sa kanya. Bahala na.

It's 2:30AM. I have to be out of the house before 6:30AM. Still waiting for Hazel to finish editing the thesis proposal. Sigurado before 3:00AM I'll be in bed na. I think. I hope. Good luck na lang sa aking bangag commute to school sa umaga.

Virgo Two

Happy 21st Birthday

Maria Beatriz S. Siojo

Remember this pic? Mr. Quickie, Galleria, with Kat.Ü hahaha I don't think I got to tell you how much it meant to me when we went to UP to watch Anak Dalita together. I really missed your company. Hay. Senti. Oh, and when you caught me at the chapel that particular Friday... I was really glad you were there. Thanks, friend. You've always made me proud to know you.Ü

Virgo One

7 September 2005

Happy 21st Birthday!

Maria Katherine Louise M. Aristorenas

No, no, I didn't forget her birthday. It's just that she doesn't know I have a blog & that the chances of her going online are very rare. I was looking through my picture folder & found this pic of her. This was the first time I ate Ice Monster. hahaha Bad influence ka, Kat! Addict na ako! hahaha I miss you, girl! Sana when Bea & I graduate, makalabas na tayo ulit. Baka may boyfriend ka na, hindi ka nagsasabi! hahaha Sana rin pala I can get to watch you sing. Sawa na ako kay Bea. hahaha I hope you're doing fine!

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Ayaw Ko'ng Magsalita Nang Tapos

The Last Time
by Eric Benet

The first time I fell in love was long ago.
I didn't know how to give my love at all.
The next time I settled for what felt so close,
But without romance, you're never gonna fall.

After everything I've learned, now it's finally my turn.
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
There was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
Because each question is answered when you're near.

And I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

Now don't hold back, just let me know.
Could I be moving much too fast or way too slow?
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.

You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words.
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough.

As far as I can see, there's only you and only me.
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

Emotions Taking Me Over

May naganap na mobilization kaninang 10:30AM na nagsimula sa may Bellarmine Hall. Nanggaling ako sa 3rd floor nung mga oras na ‘yun dahil galing ako sa klase. Nakita ko ang ilang mga kaibigan ko na nakapulong sa may daanan ng sasakyan. Seryoso ang mga mukha nila at taimtim na nakikinig sa mga habilin ni Bro Rai. Inggit ang una ko’ng naramdaman nang makita ko sila. Inggit dahil gusto kong sumama. Gusto kong sumama kahit na alam ko na hindi pa ako nakapagdedesisyon ukol sa kung ano ba ang opinyon ko sa kahihinatnan ni GMA. Gusto ko’ng malaman ang katotohanan. Pero dahil may klase ako ng alas-dose, napagpasyahan ko na hindi sumama.

Dumeretso ako sa Mateo Ricci at ilang minuto lamang ay narinig ko na ang mga sigaw ng mga nagdedemonstrasyon. Iniikot pala nila ang buong campus. Nakakatawa pa na lumabas ako ng gusali, hindi dahil sasama ako sa kanila, kundi dahil pinulot ko ang nahulog kong ruler nung papasok ako ng gusali. May hiya akong naramdaman sa pagkakataong ‘yon. Nahiya ako dahil heto’t halos pinuntahan na ako ng grupong gusto ko’ng samahan pero literal ko silang tinalikuran noong pabalik ako ng gusali pagkapulot ng plastik na ruler.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob ng gusali, dalian ko’ng niligpit ang gamit ko. Mukhang desidido akong sasama sa kanila. May halos sampung tao ‘ata ‘yung kasama ko sa mesa. Walang may gustong sumama sa akin. Tinamaan na naman ako ng hiya. Nagtaka ako kung saan ito nanggaling. Umupo na lamang ako at nanahimik sandali.

Binalikan ko ang survey na pinasasagutan ng Puno ng Kamalayang Panlipunan ukol sa impeachment issue. Napilitan akong mamili sa mga limitadong solusyon sa isyu. Inisa-isa ko sila. Wala akong naramdaman kundi duda sa mga posibleng epekto ng mga “solusyong” ito. Napilitan akong mamili hindi dahil kailangan ko’ng pumili, kundi dahil sa kawalan ko ng alternatibong solusyon.

Binigyan ko pa ang sarili ko ng ilang minuto para pag-isipang mabuti ang bawat posibilidad na inihain sa akin. Bigla kong naalala ang sabi ng guro ko sa Teolohiya, na kahit limitado ang mga solusyon, kailangan pa ring mamili, at sa pagpili, tingnan kung alin sa mga pagpipilian ang para sa akin ang higit na may pag-asa. Binalikan kong muli ang papel, at sa wakas, nagkaroon na rin ako ng personal kong paninindigan ukol sa isyung ito.

Nagtaka naman ako kung bakit umabot pa ng ganito katagal ang pagdedesisyon ko, kung kailan natalo na ang pinanigan ko. Maaaring dahil sa survey ay napilitan akong umupo at pag-isipan talaga ito. Maaaring kinailangan ko muna’ng malaman na makatutulong sa pagdesisyon ko ang paghahanap ng pag-asa.

Bumalik ako sa naging pagdududa ko sa mga posibleng magiging epekto ng mga solusyong naimungkahi. Sa sobrang pagdududa ko, hindi ako nakakita ng alternatibong solusyon. Ngunit may kukurampot akong pag-asa na magiging maayos ang lahat. ‘Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung saan manggagaling ‘yung pag-asang tinutukoy ko.

Ayaw kong maniwala na wala nang pag-asa ang Pilipinas. Ika nga nila, habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Mawawalan ng katuturan ang lahat ng bagay kung mawawalan tayo ng pag-asa. Kahit na anong mangyari, may pag-asa pa rin.


*serious mode off*

Mga 9:40PM na ako nakauwi kagabi at pagkahapuna’y umupo na sa harapan ng computer. Halos 2:00AM na ako tumayo mula sa computer kaninang madaling araw sa pakikinig sa mga rambulan sa kongreso via DZBB online. Hindi ko inasahan na pagkapasok ko sa aking kwarto’y may naghihintay pala sa aking sorpresa.

To make the long story short, 3:15AM na ako nakatulog sa kaiiyak at nagdesisyong hindi na pumasok sa 7:30AM class ko.

You WERE the only person who knew how to surprise me.

You WERE always the best part of my day.

Manny has Many Money

I attended a presentation yesterday afternoon about the new student leadership center that will be constructed in campus. Majority of the students who attended, including myself, were amazed about the plans of how the building will look like & what will be put inside. Apart from the new building, there were several other developments in the coming months like the construction of a BIG swimming pool behind the College Covered Courts & the creation of the School of Medicine & Public Health. Several oohs & ahhs were let out all over the lecture hall.

After the presentation, I realized that not once was the ongoing political crisis mentioned. I thought, our school is spending so much money on the construction of this building for student leaders, but what kind of leaders, let alone what kind of students, is our school forming?

There will be another mobilization to Congress later at 10:30AM. Again, I don’t think I’d be able to go because of our thesis consultation at noon. Great. Apart from this, I got scared about what would happen over at Sandiganbayan, what with Cory Aquino & Susan Roces joining forces to go there. I'm a chicken sh*t.

I’m still awake listening to the goings-on in Congress. I can’t believe they’re still at it. If they spent this much time ACTUALLY doing something good for the country, maybe we won't be in such a mess.

On a lighter note, I'd like to quote a friend from a YM conversation we just had a while ago:

"Ayoko maging congressman, [lalo na kung laging puyatan at maraming kailangang i-deliberate]. Presidente na lang, para ikaw [ang] laging pinag-uusapan."

Good point.Ü

I think I need to sleep now. Zzz.

Dahil Wala Akong Makausap At Sinisipag Akong Mag-blog

First time ko'ng mag-overnight sa bahay ng kaibigan last Friday night. Pero sana talaga hindi trabaho 'yung ginawa namin sa first overnight ko. Hay.

Halos wala kaming tulog sa paggawa ng chapter 1 & 2 ng thesis proposal namin. Deadline was yesterday at noon. Kumaripas kami from Corinthian Gardens dahil 11:30AM na namin natapos 'yung paper. May mali pa nga sa printing pero we didn't realize it until we were already in White Plains. Kebs.

Buti na lang din Cha was able to help us with some of the questions we had about our thesis. She was our adviser-on-call, although when we tried calling her at around 6AM she was obviously fast asleep from watching An Affair to Remember for 4 straight times. (Malala ka na, bakla! hahaha)

We were running on chips, gum, chocolates, and Coke. I think the Coke worked on Hazel because she was the one up all night until she decided to sleep at 6-8AM. As for me & 3cia, we had several power naps throughout the evening. I still can't believe I fell asleep on the computer chair. It was pretty comfortable, I must say. hahaha

When we got to Ateneo, we went straight to CORD, where our thesis adviser's office was. When we got there, we were told that our teacher left for the Psy Dept that morning & had a messenger deliver all the submitted thesis proposals there just a few seconds before we got there. Yes, we saw the messenger outside the CORD building when we got off the car. hahaha

Since 3cia & I had a lot of bags with us from the overnight, Hazel rushed to the department & submitted the paper. 3cia & I slumped ourselves on a bench in the SS Foyer & waited for Cha's reply if she wanted to have lunch with us, since she said she wanted some company that day, plus we owed her for all the help she's given us. We decided to order pizzas & had it delivered to the Foyer. We were just too darn tired to move. I was feeling lightheaded & had a heavy feeling on my chest, probably caused by my lack of sleep.

When the pizza came, Cha was already there with us, plus Jose who was with her. We talked, shared some laughs, & got really full. 3cia & I finished our share of the pizza while Cha didn't want to eat her last piece. Good thing Doc T came by & we just gave him the last piece.

We saw Bea & Yanna coming from the Psy Dept at around past 12:30PM, I think, obviously having just passed their proposal. Bea decided to hang out with us while Yanna went on. Bea asked me if I wanted to watch "Anak Dalita" over at UP for our History bonus paper. We were both tired from doing our papers & we also had a lot of bags from our respective overnights. We decided to take a cab going to UP. We made a detour to My Place first because Bea had to drop off her contact prints. Bea told me that she was going to be fetched at UP after the movie & that I could be dropped off in Ateneo.

We got to UP on time. The movie was supposed to start at 2PM, but didn't until around 2:40PM. We spent the whole time before the movie just chit-chatting, which is something I really missed doing with her. When the film started, I was already afraid that I would doze off because of my lack of sleep, & true enough, I did fall asleep several times. I think that was the first time I slept on a movie in a movie house. Anyway, I think I was awake during the more important parts of the movie so I'm sure I could still write something about it in my paper.

Bea's mom fetched us at past 4PM & went back to Ateneo. It was raining pretty hard when we got there. Good thing I was able to ask Tin if I could hitch a ride with her going home. I got home at around 540PM, fixed my things, took a cold shower, & slept at around 6:20PM. I don't recall having been called to dinner that evening but I didnt' wake up until 1:20AM. I felt pretty much rested but I decided to stay in bed & didn't get up until 8AM.

Yes, I could've done something productive at 1:20AM like finish reading Utilitarianism for Philo, or the Personality Disorders chapter for Abnormal Psy, or I could've gone online to write this blog entry, or written at least one of the 4 papers I'm supposed to submit within the month, or do some long overdue org work. I could've done all that but didn't. Why? I don't want to say I was just lazy (which is probably the best answer) or tired (I just had a good night's sleep). I think I just didn't like the loneliness of the evening.

Anyway, the funny & frustrating part about Friday night was that some friends of ours had a sleepover, got themselves drunk & just had fun while we were slaving over our paper. Yes, nainggit ako. And I don't think I've really had any fun in a long time. Sure, I get to have my dose of laughter every now & then from being with friends, but actual fun is something almost alien to me now.

It's been a long time since I felt peace within me. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever felt peace within me. There's always something to worry about, something to be angry about, something to be sad about. Maybe it's impossible for a person to find absolute peace within himself until he actually dies. (Don't worry, I won't kill myself over this. hahaha) I think the closest any person would ever get to inner peace is the feeling of relief, which is sadly, fleeting. Still, I am thankful for the fleeting feeling of relief, because its absence teaches me how to hope.

Parang ayaw ko nang mag-type. I think I'm going to go back upstairs & watch a movie with my brother. To hell with the things I have to do. Mamaya na.

Zombie Days Are Here To Stay

I just want to rant about my schedule for the next few days:

Tomorrow:
PSY 112 (Thesis) Exam - Coverage: 9 chapters, the APA Manual, & the thesis guidelines.

Thursday:
PSY 113 (Abnormal Psy) Exam - Coverage: 3 chapters -- around 40-50 pages each.
HI 166 (Philippine History) Graded Recitation & Quiz - Coverage: 2 chapters.

Saturday:
PSY 112 (Thesis) Submission - Chapter 1 (revised) & Chapter 2 of thesis proposal.

Wait till I tell you what will happen in the weeks that will follow. Yes.

Oh, I'm at the library right now burning my brain cells. My eyes are strained. I just hope I finish studying. I don't know how I'm going to be able to deal with our thesis work with all these other requirements floating above our heads. Planning to drown myself in coffee tonight. I just hope I can stay up.

I have around 30 minutes left to study here in the lib till Vicente & Jaya end their classes. Back to work.

Lord, help us all.

Gastric Disturbance

50th birthday ng tatay ko ngayon. Dapat kakain kami ng hapunan sa labas pero inatake 'yung sikmura ko kaya hindi na kami tumuloy. Nakakahiya nga kasi alas-singko sumakit 'yung sikmura ko at walang naihandang ulam para dito sa bahay ngayong gabi. Bakit sumakit ang sikmura ko? STRESS.

Stress sa mga kailangang aralin at gawin para sa eskwelahan.

Stress sa masalimuot na sitwasyon ng ating lipunan -- sa gobyerno, sa mga nagpapahirap sa tao, at lalo na sa mga nahihirapan dahil sa kapabayaan ng iba.

Stress sa mga taong may magandang hangarin para sa kinabukasan ng bayan ngunit mali ang itinuturo at ipinapakita sa kabataan.

Stress sa mga taong hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganoon mag-isip at umasta pero kabalbalan lamang ang mga ginagawa at sinasabi.

Stress sa mga taong malabo ang paninindigan.

Stress sa mga taong walang paninindigan.

Stress sa "pagkawala" ng isang matalik na kaibigan.

Hindi pa tapos ang kalbaryo ko. Lintik.

Helplessness vs. Humility

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

You can huff, and you can puff, and you can blow someone's house down, but it may not get you what you want in the end. In fact, the stars can definitely guarantee that it won't get you what you need, either. Rather than letting your emotions run away with you, acknowledge that you have some very strong feelings on the topic. Once you do that, you may just see what the real answer to this conundrum is.

Do you sometimes hate the feeling of not being in control? When you can't seem to get what you want & need?

Hay. I don't want to continue this entry anymore. Too many emotions.

Feeling Kawawa

Narinig ko sa radyo nung Friday na break-up season daw ngayon. Gusto kong maniwala na hindi, pero parang totoo. Paano ko nasabi? Maraming ebidensya. As in.

May nabasa akong blog entry ng isa kong kaibigan. May karanasan sya na matagal ko nang gustong maranasan. Ayaw kong ikwento kasi baka makasuhan pa ako ng copyright infringement hehe. Pero bottom line, naramdaman nya na sobra syang special. Ewan ko ba. Minsan iniisip ko na I'm so hard to please. Tipong high maintenance person pero not in material & superficial aspects but more of emotional support yung kailangan ko. Hay. Basta, nainggit ako sa kaibigan ko.

May nasabi sa akin si Bro Art nung nag-uusap kami after ng Waterhole FS nung Friday. Di ko na matandaan kung ano yung pinag-uusapan namin pero nasabi kong lagi na lang akong tagapag-alaga pero walang nag-aalaga sa akin. Sabi nya, "Hindi naman kasi kailangang hanapin sa ibang tao yun eh." Medyo paraphrased na yun, by the way. hehe

Tama si Bro Art. Hay. Ewan ko. Akala ko I have a strong sense of self. Hindi pala. I just come out strong to most people pero sa katotohanan, 'pag mag-isa na ako, sobra akong needy. Siguro dahil perception ng karamihan na strong ako, pati ako naniwala doon. Big mistake, Chinky.

Ang dami kong pinagdaanan this past week na malamang may carryover to this coming week. Kailangang magpakatatag. Pero for now, dadaanin ko muna sa iyak.

Feel Good Song of the Moment

Let's Stay Together
by Al Green

I, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

They say since, baby, since we've been together
Loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue

Let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why, why some people break up
Then turn around and make up
I just can't see
You'd never do that to me (would you, baby)
Staying around you is all I see
(Here's what I want us to do)

Let's, we oughta stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Veritas

"What makes us unhappy are the things that we try to impose on ourselves - those that we hold true even if they are obviously false in its entirity."

- Bro. Art Tangara, SJ

Citrus Fresh

HANGGANG KAILAN
by Orange & Lemons

Labis na naiinip
Nayayamot sa bawat saglit
Kapag naaalala ka
Wala naman akong magawa

Umuwi ka na baby
'Di na ako sanay nang wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng
Paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha at
Naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi

'Di mapigilang mag-isip
Na baka sa tagal
Mahulog ang loob mo sa iba
Nakakabalisa
Knock on wood
H'wag naman sana

Umuwi ka na baby
'Di na ako sanay nang wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng
Paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha at
Naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi

Umuwi ka na baby...

Stubborn Me

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

You excel at solving puzzles on your own, but right now, holding your problems in won't make you stronger -- on the contrary, it might deprive you of the help that's well within your reach if you could only make the smallest gesture toward it. Remember that asking for aid doesn't make you weak -- it makes you smart. So if something's been on your mind, grab a friend and pour out your troubles to their sympathetic ears.

Yeah, yeah I know. Avoidance coping na ito. I think the reason behind this is that I've become more selfish & that I don't want to face that change in me. If you think this is a recent issue, no. Matagal-tagal na rin ito.

Overdue [Still Waiting]

This was my Friendster Horoscope from July 30:

Today's Forecast
Right out of the blue, a romantic proposition will arrive -- an extremely attractive one. You'll be more than happy to accept the offer, and you'd be foolish not to. Be sure all parties concerned are honest.

The Bottom Line
There's a bunny rabbit who wants you to give them a bite of carrot. Be generous.

In Detail
Someone you've been amazingly fond of for some time will suddenly let you know that the feelings are extremely mutual. What should you do about it? Well, for starters, pick up your jaw and let yourself grin. Saying something appropriate wouldn't hurt, either -- something along the lines of 'me, too,' for example. You might also think of where to have dinner tonight. You'll need to keep up your strength if you're going to keep someone this startling entertained.

After almost a week later, nothing. Waiting waiting waiting.

Oh yeah, the new crush I was talking about in my last entry? Uulitin ko lang ang sinabi ko: I'm really attracted to men I can't have. hahaha Basta, yun na yun. Hindi s'ya elevated to stalkee status. hahaha

Yes, si stalkee. Ang kyut n'ya talaga. Sana magkaroon kami ng opportunity to know each other more. Hi at hello lang kami forever. Minsan hirit dito, hirit doon, pero wala. Ang babaw. Hay. Sadness. Sana talaga before I graduate maging friends kami at least.

Tama pala 'yung sinasabi sa psychology na teaching children to wait instills hope in them. May pagka-synonymous pala sila. Kapag sinabi sa 'yo ng isang tao na, "Don't wait for me," ang ibig n'yang sabihin, "H'wag ka nang umasa." Ang galing.

Masarap maghintay at umasa na matutupad ang gusto natin, pero nakakapagod.

Blag

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

A loved one you've been thinking about fondly for some time has finally come around -- at least, it seems that way. There are several roadblocks in their way, however, many of which won't move aside easily. The hard part will be your urge to clear their way without enlisting any help at all from them. The harder part will be the absolute necessity of your letting go so that they can make this happen alone -- which is what will really count.

Surprisingly, I have a new crush. Yes, my stalkee finally has competition. Haha! Then again, my horoscope might be referring to my stalkee. Has he finally come around? (Rhett Miller's "Come Around" crooning in the background) Drama!

Just for the record: Hindi ko mahal si stalkee. Eye candy lamang s'ya. Nyahaha! Pero in fur-ness, I began to like him because he's really nice, has a sense of humor, very passionate, God-fearing... hay. Drool drool drool.

My new crush, on the other hand... well, let's just say I have a track record of being attracted to men I can't have. So let's just leave it at that. Sana hindi ma-develop at maging stalkee #2 ko s'ya or worse: mahalin ko s'ya. Deym.

Kakaiba. Sobrang conscious ang paghahanap ko ng boylet ngayon. Feeling ko seniors' syndrome na ito. Desperada ang lola n'yo. Shyet.

Hope hope hope... is the second name of my Educ Psy teacher. (Labo mode again.)

Letting go... yes. Heto na naman tayo. Ewan ko ba. Gusto ko nang umusad, pero ang higpit pa rin ng kapit ko sa 'yo. Pero ramdam ko na mas kaya ko na ngayon. Ewan. Baka ngayon lang 'to.

Hay leche. What an incoherent entry this is.

De-stress Call

I've been called a toilet bowl by a friend because I seem to have this great capacity to take in all the sh*t in other people's lives & make them feel better after they have expelled their demons.

Never mind if I'm a mess myself. Most of the time, it's unnoticable anyway.

Even if there are a ton of things that are going through my mind, I can set them aside to accomodate another person's ramblings.

Endless rants, piercing pains, ecstatic joys, you name it, I can handle it. Never mind me. They seem to be more in need than me. Then, the inevitable happens.

Drowning in my own pool of tears, that's the end of my day.

Yes, I am a living irony. I know when somebody is in need but won't let others know that I need them.

Once again, I have fooled everyone. "Outstanding performance!" is what I say when I look in the mirror.

Underneath my smiles & laughter, a helpless little girl is curling up in a ball crying everyday.

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

The Bottom Line

You're so ahead of your time. Like a time traveler. Interesting, what you think of!

In Detail
If you're at all worried that you might say or do something to offend someone, especially if you're pretty darned sure about who it is and what the situation might be, take someone along for the ride who's equipped to mediate in situations such as this. You know who to ask -- because you've probably had to call on them in the past for just such a reason. Remember, too, that it's not you they'll be watching out for. It's anyone who gets in your way or challenges your opinions.

'Di ko alam kung anong mas masakit, kung hindi ka na kailangan ng mahal mo o kung hindi malaman ng mahal mo na kailangan mo s'ya.

Ewan. Basta masakit.

Got this from Av's blog:

How to show girls you love them...

1. Tell her she is beautiful, not hot.

2. Hold her hand at any moment even if it's just for a second.

3. Kiss her on the forehead.

4. Leave her voice messages to wake up to.

5. Always tell her how beautiful she is, no matter what she's wearing.

6. When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.

7. Recognize the small things . . . THEY USUALLY MEAN THE MOST!

8. Call her baby.

9. Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.

10. Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.

11. Write her notes, she loves them.

12. Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.

13. Play with her hair.

14. Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.

15. Sit in the park and just talk to her.

16. Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.

17. Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.

18. Let her fall asleep in your arms.

19. Carve your names into a tree.

20. If she's mad at you, apologize because SHE is always right.

21. CUDDLE.

22. Bring her flowers.

23. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.

24. Look her in the eyes and smile.

25. Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.

26. Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.

27. Kiss her in the rain.

28. If your in love with her . . . TELL HER.

December awaits me.

This Problematic of Mine (Labo)

A good friend told me yesterday:

Grabe Jinky, ang galing mo talaga. Lahat ng tao naibubuhos sa iyo ang problema nila, tapos you never fail to make us feel better.

For some reason, it's easier to solve a problem when it's not yours. It's the subjective aspect, I guess, that makes it difficult for us to solve our own problems. Notice, that when you attempt to deal with your own problems, more often than not, you feel helpless & can't seem to find a solution or at least some relief.

However, it's another thing altogether if you MAKE your own problems, or make something your own problem when it shouldn't be in the first place. (Did that make sense?) Like another good friend told me early yesterday evening:

'Yun kasi mahirap sa atin. Feeling natin we're to be blamed for everything. Pinapasan natin lahat ng problema.

Ok, ok. Guilty as charged.

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

You're not cold and impersonal, and you're probably quite tired of reading that astrological description of your sign. The truth is, you're just picky, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. Once you find someone who measures up to your standards -- that is, someone who's entertaining, independent and intelligent -- you can be quite devoted. Someone who answers just that description may be along shortly. If you're already attached, prepare for a brand new best friend.

I'd like to believe I've found this person. But the question is, was he looking for me, too?

Hoping for Love

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

A certain someone you spend an awful lot of time with is about to let you know that every minute you've invested has and will be well spent. You're set up to learn the depth and breadth of a loved one's feelings, and even if you're single, there's no way you'll miss the enormity of those same emotions coming to you via the casual utterances and behavior of someone you had no idea was as fond of you as they really are.

Well, the day's almost over. Nothing's happened. But I've got to admit, it's nice to hope.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Buhos na, Ulan, at Lunurin Akong Tuluyan

It's been a loooong while since I poured in my thoughts here. I'm not really sure what's been happening to me. I feel that there's something in me that's going through a change, and that I've been afraid to face that fact for the longest time. I don't know what change is happening exactly. All I know is, I feel scared. Could this be just a case of Seniors Syndrome? Maybe. Maybe not...

On a lighter note, there's so much that has happened for the past couple of months...

Early last April, I attended the COA Formation Seminar where I got to meet the representatives of the different student organizations. I wasn't supposed to be there but I don't regret ever going. I learned so much from my fellow leaders. I made new friends, had a lot of laughs, shared a lot of insights. I was so inspired with the passion & dedication of the other org representatives (majority were the presidents). One of the most wonderful things I was enlightened about was the diffrences of all the SOA orgs. After that experience, I gained a deep admiration for each & every SOA org's mission.

On the last few days of May, we had the ACIL Form Sem at Ate Citas' place in Tanay, Rizal. Before we left Manila, we finished the heavy work we could have done out of town. Even if we only had less than 3 days there, we all enjoyed ourselves & made a lot of memories. It really feels good that there are people who want to work for the same goals as you do & to have them become your friends is just the best bonus. I love you ACIL peeps!

My phone got stolen 2 weeks ago. Nothing bad happened to me, thank God. The creep just got my phone from my backpack. I guess I was just too sleepy to notice that somebody was behind me unzipping my bag. Oh well. Got a new phone. Bought it with my own money. The one that got stolen was given to me by my parents for my 20th birthday. It was a Nokia 6600, camera phone & all that. I remember that when my parents gave me that phone, I wasn't very happy because it cost too much & they didn't have to spend too much money just for a gift for me. They were offended but they eventually forgot about it. Now, I have a Nokia 2300. It has something that the 6600 doesn't have that I've always wanted in a phone: an FM Radio. It's not colored nor does it have a camera. I don't care. I want my music! hahaha Oh, by the way, thanks to Miggy for my Globe sim card!Ü

Oh, I have this song stuck in my mental record player. It's "Alay" by Imago. I really love the wordplay. The song is for a loved one who just passed away. Sounds morbid? Not really. It's a pretty nice eulogy for me -- the type that you shed tears of joy after you hear it.

Alay by Imago

Mamaalam

Tala kong may ngiti

Saglit lamang

May huling habilin

Sa gitna ng 'yong
paglalakbay

Sa dako mong ihihimlay

Dalhin ang payapa't

Pangakong wagas.

Patawad.

May lunas pa raw

Nananamlay mong diwa

S'yang may gamay

Ng malay mong tilang,

Hiram.

Itong minamata

Daang tinitimbang,

Dala, tangi kong

Alay.

Mamaalam

Sa mundong kay lupit

Sadya kayang

Nilihis ka sa pait

Sa gitna ng 'yong paghihimlay

Mangako kang maghihintay

Dalhin sa paglitis

Taglay na tamis.

Paalam.

My Friendster Horoscope for today:

If anyone is ready for romance, it's you. And the universe agrees, too -- so much so that you've been chosen to receive one of those wonderful evenings that only come along a few times a year. Think of it as having Ed McMahon, Santa Claus and Donald Trump show up on your doorstep with cash, tickets for two to the event of your choice and a limo -- oh, and the person you'd love to share it all with.

The odds of this happening tonight: NONE.