Road Trip!!!

I'm going to San Felipe, Zambales this evening for our org's Formation Seminar. We leave ADMU at 6pm (I bet we're gonna leave at 7pm. *sigh*), have dinner somewhere along the highway, & arrive in Summer Ichiban (name of the resort) at around midnight. Then we'll be back on Monday evening, at around 10pm.

Am I excited? I don't know. I'm sure the others are. Our president from last year even texted me early this morning, telling me to enjoy it. He seems to be more excited than I am.Ü Maybe I'm just too anxious because of the work I'll be leaving behind & the upcoming registration. Damn mood swing. I just hope this mood wears out when we get there.

Moment

it's NiCe tO havE yOu bacK.Ü


Bakit ba ganyan... *sigh* Ü

Au Revoir

Went to see Father Clark this afternoon. When I got there, I realized that it has been a long time since I looked at a dead body. I think the last time was my grandfather back in 2001.

Anyway, when I approached the white casket, I looked at his face & "talked" to him. I thanked him for all the great homilies he gave that have helped me when I needed them the most, & I thanked him, most of all, for having been there for a dear friend who would probably not be the same person now if not for his guidance. In a way, however indirectly, I owed Fr. Clark a lot.

On to other things... I hope I can sing well tomorrow at the First Communion we'll be sponsoring for the special kids our org's been teaching for the past month or so. Gosh. I think I should practice later. hihi Ü

THIRTY MINUTES 052604

Thirty minutes with you
Seemed to be only thirty seconds
With the distance that separates us.
But with every second that ticked,
Father Time will never be able to take away
The smile that I now have in my heart.

Uusad din ako. H'wag kang mag-aalala.

Oh, Happy Day!

Nag-uumapaw sa galak ang aking puso sa pagkarinig ko sa iyong tinig. Salamat at hindi mo ako nakalimutan.


Ü imi sse dy ouma halk o Ü

Manhid

Numb is the word to describe how I am right now. There are things that I have to accomplish, things to organize, things that I'm irritated at (my schedule), but there is something that I want to grieve about. Inside, I know I'm sad, but my head makes me do what I'm supposed to do (responsibilities). In other words, my head & my heart are telling me to do two different things. So I guess I'm somewhere in the neutral, ergo the numbness.

Watched Jersey Girl again last night with my family. First time was with some friends. I really love the kid who played Ben Affleck's daughter in that movie. She reminds me of my Geometry teacher's kids (both of them), who I used to "baby sit" after class, because they look so much alike & are such precocious little things. It just made me remember how much fun I had with those two kids & how it amazed me that they know so much at such a young age.

On to sadder news, Father Clark died earlier today. I love that priest. He gave really great homilies & I heard was a really kind person. Isa s'yang malaking kawalan sa Kapisanan. I'll surely miss him.


Seek to live. Remembrance is for the old. -- Paulo Coelho [Not just yet.]

The Worst Feeling

The greatest thing in the world is to be needed.


What books have YOU been reading?

Reality Check

I hate my schedule for the coming semester. I have 4 Psych subjects to take up, 3 of which are scheduled on Tuesdays & Thursdays, & 1 that I can schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays but is 4 hours long. Which leaves my Philo & Theo classes to be better scheduled on the mornings of MWF, since that 4-hour long Psych class starts at 1230pm.

What really sucks is that my schedule won't allow me to get the REALLY good Philo teachers. Plus, my schedule might not allow me to attend the ACIL Mass, which will be most likely set either at 1130am or 1230pm. There's also the chance I might have a really tight schedule on my TTh sched, possibly 3 classes straight = 4 & a half hours. And I've got to go to Mass, apart from the weekly ACIL Mass, of course. I don't plan on breaking that routine. There's also the issue of which area I will be participating in this coming semester. Again, schedule matters. Sigh.

I'm not too excited to go to school this semester. And my schedule isn't the only reason...


Bakit ka ganyan? Kung alam mo lang kung gaano mo ako nasasaktan sa ginagawa mo, maiiyak ka rin.

When You Cried

I'm sorry I couldn't look at you on the first day I saw you cry. I didn't know what to do, having been the one who always cries between the two of us. I just hope that holding your hand was enough to let you know that I felt the same way -- that I also couldn't bear the thought of not being with you.

Do you still cry for me?


Mahal mo nga ako, pero alam kong wala sa akin ang kaligayahan mo.

Evolution

I went to Mass today at noon at the college chapel. The Gospel for today talked about the pain we have to go through to achieve joy. It said something like, "After the anguish you feel now, joy will overcome you, like when a woman gives birth -- she goes through tremendous pain but after her child is born, she is so happy that she forgets about her pain." And the Gospel ends with the line that says something like whatever we ask from God, He delivers. (Did I get that right? I can't remember very well.)

Anyway, the priest (Fr. Dacanay -- short-homily extraordinaire) says in his homily that sometimes, we become sorry whenever we get what we asked for from God because it usally doesn't end up how we want it to. Then he goes on saying that what usually happens is that God doesn't usually give us what we want, but what we truly NEED at that moment.

Yes, I already know all that Fr. Dacanay had said & I could attest to its truth. I have personally experienced having given something that I had prayed for, only for it to end up being something temporary. It really hurt, feeling that I was cheated. How could I possibly be happy about having to let go of such a beautiful gift -- a true blessing? But as I thought about it, maybe the reason why it was given to me was because I really needed it at that moment, & the fact that it was temporary was maybe because I didn't need it anymore, that it had already served its purpose.

Although now, I don't think I've completely lost that gift. I feel that it still exists, but in a different form. So technically, I still have it, just not in its former state & is probably serving a different purpose.

I just hope that I had been a gift myself.

LOOKING FAR 052104

I hear your voice;
I see your face;
I feel your touch;
I taste your lips --

In the stillness of morn,
In the dullness of moments,
And in the nothingness of night.

Is my heart still with you?


Love is so short, forgetting is so long. -- Pablo Neruda

Sa Umaga't Sa Gabi, Sa Bawat Minutong Lumilipas...

Amazing feat: I did not drown in my sleep last night. Maybe I was just too tired from all the tears I've been shedding for the past few days that my eyelids just let gravity do its work on them.

Nightfall always amazes me. There's a certain surrender that happens at the moment the sun fades into the darkness. At the end of the day, most of us retreat to our homes & take comfort in the company of our loved ones. Some of us turn to our blogs & spill out our day's byproducts & look for some relief in expression. And when the bedroom lights go out, there are some who stare at the ceiling remembering the activities of the day that passed & there are some who, as they close their eyes, are flooded with images of places & people that they've seen & encountered, not just recently, but also from their entire lifetimes. And then, the entire system shuts down as sleep possesses it. Incredible.

SA IYO 052004

Magsasawa rin ako
Sa kahahanap;
Mapapagod din ako
Sa kaiiyak;
Titigil din ako
Sa kaaasa;
Mangangalay rin ako
Sa kahihintay;
Mababagot din ako
Sa kangangarap --

Sa Iyo.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long. -- Pablo Neruda

Future's Uncertainty

Months ago, I said to myself, that on May 19 (that's today), I will start letting go of my Dream.

How am I doing? Not too good. But I'd like to think I'm slowly getting there.

You know the feeling when you have decided to let go of something so important to you & in the back of your head you know that there's this part of you that just won't allow it? That tiny flame of hope that just never stops burning in your insides & no amount of tears could ever wash out...

IN MY DREAMS 012904

In my dreams, I have counted a million stars
walked a thousand miles & seen a hundred tomorrows
just by looking in your eyes.

In my dreams, my vision stretches far
to see that beautiful smile that takes away my sorrows
worrying not of goodbyes.

Waking up to face the truth grows harder everyday
Knowing that you are not here when the sunlight beams
That's why I await the moonlight gray
Because I know that's where you'll be -- only in my dreams...

'Tis another night to drown in my sleep.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long. -- Pablo Neruda

Alone Again, Naturally.

You guys might be asking yourselves (or not -- I'm just assuming.), bakit ngayon lang si Chinky gumawa ng blog? At bakit ganyan ang title ng unang entry n'ya?

Hay... So many questions... not enough answers...

I guess I just need to vent. I'm slowly detaching myself from my exhaust fan & maybe, hopefully, God-willingly, this li'l nook in cyberspace will bring some relief.

I realized just now that I'm not yet that comfortable airing out my ramblings here. Maybe for starters, I'll share this poem I wrote almost two months ago. There's really no meaning as to why the title's in Filipino. I just felt like it.

UNANG LITRATO 032104

New photographs -- old memories
Captured in a tiny box.
These smiles that beam
Will soon be a forgotten dream.
This day that had passed
Will soon be a hundred yesterdays
Drowned in the reality of tomorrows.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long. -- Pablo Neruda