Ode to my Non-existent Philo Paper

Pilit kong pinipiga ang aking utak
Upang mailabas ang mga salita
Na s'yang pupukaw sa iyong damdamin.
Maghapong lumipas na hindi na maibabalik pa
ang nagbabanta sa bawat hakbang ng oras --
Papalapit nang papalapit
Ngunit tila lumalayo nang lumalayo.
Lumilipad, tumatalon, umiikot, nawawala, bumabalik
"Heto na naman," ika nga ni Gary V.

Pagbigay Pugay

I would like to express my gratitude to those who helped me 'Vicky-Belo' this blog:

1. Bro. Ryan Echevarria, SJ: Dahil nakita ko sa blog mo na may links ka, nagtaka ako bakit 'yung akin wala. Tapos tiningnan ko 'yung template ng blog ko (kahit na wala ako'ng alam sa mga html chuva) at hinanap kung saan pwede maglagay ng links. At nakita ko rin sa pinakadulo ng blog mo na nilagyan mo ng quote, sabi ko, gusto ko rin, kaya hinanap ko rin kung saan 'yun. And voila! Meron na! Whee!!!

2. Nicolo Ludovice: Dahil nakita ko sa blog n'ya na iba 'yung nakalagay sa 'comments' part ng entries n'ya, tinanong ko s'ya paano ko mababago 'yung akin. S'ya rin ang nakaisip ng ipapalit ko'ng pangalan doon! Whee!!!

3. Hazel Nakpil-Castillo: Dahil nakita ko na may sitemeter ka (at si Bro Ryan) at tagboard, nainggit ako at tinanong ko kung paano maglagay ng mga ganoon sa blog ko. Faster than a speeding bullet ka'ng nag-e-mail ng instructions at sinabihan mo pa akong SMART to figure it out.Ü Yessss!!! hahaha

4. Matthew Dy: Dahil sa pag-recommend mo ng tagboard site, napadali ang paglagay ko nito sa aking bloggie. Tama ka nga, super one-two-three magic lang s'ya gawin! Bibidibobidiboo!

5. Jong Figueroa: Dahil nakita ko sa Friendster account mo 'yung John Legend video, pinuntahan ko kaagad 'yung site at kinopya ko rito at pati sa Friendster account ko. I had to adjust the video player size though kasi masyadong malapad 'yung original size ng video player para sa sidebar ko rito sa blog. Buti na lang din at madaling sundin ang instructions sa pag-resize kundi sabog na ang itsura ng blog ko. hehehe

Oo na. Gaya-gaya na ako. Hahaha!

I was born to love deeply.Ü

My Friendster Horoscope:

The Bottom Line
Get ready -- those flirt-filled conversations will finally add up to something real.

In Detail
Are you postponing taking that next big love step because you're afraid? And are you afraid because everything's not 'perfect'? The stars tell you to snap out of it and stop asking yourself, 'What if?' or you could talk yourself out of a situation that may not be 'perfect,' but is actually perfect for you. You were born to love deeply, so embrace an adventure that has the potential to change your life for the better.

Napangiti ako ro'n, ah.Ü

Just wish it would happen sooner.

One of the Boys

I realized last night as I recalled all the significant 'men' that have come into my life was that a great majority of them are or were seminarians. Yes, religious, aspiring-to-be-priests folk. I would like to blame ACIL for this. Then again, I have always been one of the boys, even considering the fact that I graduated from an exclusive Catholic Chinese school for girls. Maybe it's because there are 3 guys in my family & that I have many guy cousins. Maybe it's also because I came from a co-ed school before transferring to the exclusive school. Maybe. Maybe.

One of the first people I became close to in college was my male blockmate, Ryan. Though we don't talk to or see each other as much, we still have that great brother-and-sister banter we got so used to having.

There's also TJ. We don't have the same relationship as I have with Ryan but I can say that we're pretty good friends. He's more of a PG-13 as opposed to Ryan who is a definite R-18. hahaha

My ACIL male friends are a combination of TJs & Ryans, which is a good mix, & is probably one of the reasons why I have good relationships with them.

Then there were the seminarians. First wave: San Jose Seminary boys. Had crushes on some of them, I admit. (Sa kaunti ba naman nila, I'm sure you can guess who they are. haha) I still recall the late nights I would spend with them, either going out for a movie, or eating & sight-seeing at Riverbanks, or simply talking the hours away while lounging on their 'Smoker's Pocket Garden' overlooking the Marikina Valley. Those were the times... Just for the record, I don't go there anymore, save for that one time last month when we reviewed for our Philo exam.

Second wave: Jesuit Scholastics. There was Nono, the two Ryans (Kalbo & Rai), & Bro Art. For some weird & inexplicable reason, I have an ease in sharing my heart & soul to these guys. Not just that, I feel comfortable with them to the point that I barely see their 'religious' side. This still puzzles me up to now.

The constant presence of the seminarians in my life suddenly made me think that maybe they're the reason why I still do not have a boyfriend. Yes, a far-fetched hypothesis. (Guys, don't kill me for this. hehehe) Nevertheless, I'm quite blessed to have those seminarians as my friends. Like I told one of my ACIL friends, I would want to have my first drinking session with my Jesuit friends, since I have no idea of how I am when I'm drunk, at least I know that I'll be safe with them. Right guys?Ü

Anthem

Kwarto
by: Sugarfree
¤ Thanks, Rai!Ü ¤

Maglilinis ako ng aking kwarto
Na punong-puno ng galit at damit
Mga bagay na hindi ko na kailangan
Nakaraang hindi na pwedeng pagpaliban

Mga liham ng nilihim kong pag-ibig
At litrato ng kahapong maligalig
Dahan-dahan kong inipon
Ngunit ngayo’y kailangan nang itapon

Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon, mula ngayon

May jacket mong nabubulok sa sulok
Na inaalikabok na sa lungkot
May panyong ilang ulit nang niluhaan
Isang patak sa bawat beses na tayo’y nasaktan

Alaala ng lumuluhang kahapon
Dahan-dahan ko na ring kinakahon
Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong ligaya
Lumabas ako ng kwarto’t naroon siya

Magpapaalam na sa 'yo ang aking kwarto


¤ Wish ko lang. ¤

Deadline

Tumatakbo
By: MOJOFLY

Laging bigo laging sawi sa pag-ibig
Minamalas o kay sakit
May balat nga ba ako sa pwet
Mabuti pa ang tindera sa aming kanto
Nakakainggit TL ang sweet nila ng
Kanyang nobyo
Gusto ko lang maranasang umibig
Tamaan ng kupido
Gusto ko lang maranasan ang langit
Tumibok muli ang puso ko

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako
Ng panahon
Di na nagbago bawat araw pare-pareho
Parang kahapon

May birthday cake ka nga
Ngunit wala naman kandila
May Christmas tree na malupit
Wala naman dekorasyong pansabit
Sadyang ganyan ang aking buhay
Walang kasing tamlay
Ayoko sanang tumandang nag-iisa

Tatanggapin na lang ba ang malupit
Na tadhana o kaya'y
Tatanggapin na lang ba na ako'y
Sadyang hindi pinagpala?
Tigilan na ang drama
Punasan na ang luha

Senior's Stress

Overview of my schedule for the following weeks:

Mon, Sept 19: Revised thesis proposal

Tue, Sept 20: Abnormal Psy quiz; History graded recitation & quiz; Call UPIS to confirm participation in pilot

Thurs, Sept 22: Educ Psy Reflection Paper; History bonus paper

Fri, Sept 23: ACIL Liquidation Report to OSA; go to Roque's house for Theo project

Sat-Sun, Sept 24-25: Finalization of Thesis Proposal

Mon, Sept 26: Philosophy paper (yuck); Theo project; ACIL Statement of Receipts & Expenses to COA

Tue, Sept 27: Abnormal Psy Case Study; Final Thesis Proposal

Thurs, Sept 29: Abnormal Psy Exam; Educ Psy Refelction Paper; History Exam; History Final Project Proposal

Fri-Sun, Sept 30-Oct 2: Preparation for Thesis Proposal Defense

Mon, Oct 3: Thesis Proposal Defense

Hibernate

Napakagaling ko talaga. Umuwi ako ng mga 4:00PM kahapon. Sumabay ako kay Jaya. Nakarating ako sa bahay ng mga 5:15PM. Kumain ng merienda. Sumakit ang ulo kaya natulog ng mga 5:45PM. Refused to get up from bed for dinner. Didn't get up until 5:53AM. Mahusay, Chinky.

Ilang beses akong tinanong kagabi kung maghahapunan ako. 'Di ako sumagot. Ayaw na ayaw ko kasing napuputol ang tulog ko. Kapag nangyayari ito, lalo kong gustong pahabain ang tulog ko. Kung tuluy-tuloy ang tulog ko, mas sisipagin akong bumangon. May mga dapat pa naman akong ginawa kagabi. Tulad nga ng sabi ko sa previous entry ko, dapat gagawa ako ng mga papers. Oh well.

Rationalization ko lang 'ata ito. Medyo tinamaan kasi ako ng loneliness kahapon. Defense mechanism ko marahil ang pagtulog ko para hindi ko maramdaman yung lungkot. Hay.

Nasa RSF ako ngayon. Aatupagin ko 'yung isang survey na gagamitin namin para sa thesis. Free cut yung Educ Psy class ko ng 9:00AM. Thesis consultation mamayang 12noon. Muntik ko na namang hindi i-schedule ang lunch sa araw ko. Hay. Dadalhan ako nila 3cia & Hazel ng lunch from Jollibee. Pumunta sila sa UPIS para tanungin yung principal kung pwede kaming mag-pilot ng surveys doon. Sana pumayag. Kailangan na kasi kaming mag-pilot ng isang measure namin before our defense on the 1st week of October. Stress.

Sige na nga. Trabaho na.

Beep-Beep ang Sabi ng Jeep

Attended the noise barrage yesterday along Katipunan Avenue. As evidenced by my previous entry, I didn't have enough sleep (in fact, I was running on only 2 hours of sleep). After my History class at around 4:20PM, I was supposed to go to the library (AGAIN) to study & to take a nap. It was supposed to be a compromise since I wanted to attend the 6:00PM Mass at the Gesu. Anyway, I gave in (so did Hazel -- we slept at around the same time) to Sherwin's peer pressure to join the noise barrage. So there we were, under the seemingly endless light drizzle of the afternoon, shouting our lungs out amidst the cling-clanging of metal cans & beeping cars, encouraging the other motorists to honk their car horns to show support to our cause.

At one point during the noise barrage, I'm not sure if it was because I was just drained, but I fell silent. (Yes, I was silent in a noise barrage.) I got teary-eyed. (Iyakin talaga ang lola n'yo.) Why did my eyes water? Maybe I was just so overwhelmed with the whole scenario I just described above. In all honesty though, I didn't have a really intense emotion at that moment as compared to the other times I've been overwhelmed. Then one car passed by & inside there was a little girl with a puzzled look on her face. I wondered. What could she have thought about what we were doing? In a decade or so, would she understand why we were out there in the streets? Again, I went back to ask myself of what I can do for my country in educating the youth, if ever I do pursue a teaching career. Questions, questions.

At the Mass, bigshots came (e.g. THE Cory Aquino, Dudut Jaworski, Gilbert Remulla, president of DLSU). Heard 3 speeches within the Mass: Fr. Danny's, Fr. Ben's, & Tita Cory's. The general theme was about upholding the truth, virtues, & morals. I particularly liked what Fr. Ben said about not just having accountability to the truth, but also having accountability to the poor. It's sad to accept that no matter what happens to the country, they are always at the losing end. I am now reminded of the notion that education is the great equalizer. I personally would like to believe that this is so, but even when education is supposed to be standard & unbiased, it isn't so. Again, WHAT CAN I DO?

*nostalgia: off. back to present.*

I'm planning on leaving school early today, as opposed to my usual 9:00PM departure on Wednesday evenings since the rest of the week is pretty light for me. I just hope I don't slack off again in dong my papers.

On a lighter note, it's Cha's 22nd birthday!!!Ü (Sorry girl, I don't have an embarrassing picture of you good enough to put here in my blog. hahaha)

Walk-Out

Nag-"walk-out" ako sa YM (No, hindi sa Congress. haha) nung Sunday ng gabi dahil nainis ako sa isa ko'ng kaibigan. Nothing serious naman. Kung tutuusin, ang dami na naming "fights" na tulad no'n. Sabi n'ya naiintindihan n'ya ako, pero alam ko'ng hindi. Pero in all fairness to him, naiintindihan ko rin kung bakit 'di n'ya ako maintindihan. Naintindihan n'yo ba? hahaha

Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan n'ya na kakaunti lamang ang mga talagang nakakausap ko sa tunay na nararamdaman ko, lalo na ngayon. Marahil naririndi na s'ya sa akin. 'Di ko naman s'ya masisisi. Para mailabas ko lahat, kailangang ma-verbalize ko ang mga saloobin ko. May pakiramdam na unti-unting nawawala 'yung sakit at hirap kapag nasasabi ko s'ya out loud. Minsan nga kapag hindi ko nasasabi 'yung nararamdaman ko, literal na sumasakit ang dibdib ko. Weird noh? And since kakaunti lang ang nakakausap ko tungkol sa mga drama ko sa buhay, the same people have to put up with me. Yes, you may not believe it, but I'm too much to handle.

Anyway, I think ok na kami nung friend ko. It was a momentary thing lang naman. Pero dahil doon, siguro hindi na muna ako masyado magbabahagi ng saloobin ko sa kanya. Bahala na.

It's 2:30AM. I have to be out of the house before 6:30AM. Still waiting for Hazel to finish editing the thesis proposal. Sigurado before 3:00AM I'll be in bed na. I think. I hope. Good luck na lang sa aking bangag commute to school sa umaga.

Virgo Two

Happy 21st Birthday

Maria Beatriz S. Siojo

Remember this pic? Mr. Quickie, Galleria, with Kat.Ü hahaha I don't think I got to tell you how much it meant to me when we went to UP to watch Anak Dalita together. I really missed your company. Hay. Senti. Oh, and when you caught me at the chapel that particular Friday... I was really glad you were there. Thanks, friend. You've always made me proud to know you.Ü

Virgo One

7 September 2005

Happy 21st Birthday!

Maria Katherine Louise M. Aristorenas

No, no, I didn't forget her birthday. It's just that she doesn't know I have a blog & that the chances of her going online are very rare. I was looking through my picture folder & found this pic of her. This was the first time I ate Ice Monster. hahaha Bad influence ka, Kat! Addict na ako! hahaha I miss you, girl! Sana when Bea & I graduate, makalabas na tayo ulit. Baka may boyfriend ka na, hindi ka nagsasabi! hahaha Sana rin pala I can get to watch you sing. Sawa na ako kay Bea. hahaha I hope you're doing fine!

Happy Birthday Mama Mary!

Ayaw Ko'ng Magsalita Nang Tapos

The Last Time
by Eric Benet

The first time I fell in love was long ago.
I didn't know how to give my love at all.
The next time I settled for what felt so close,
But without romance, you're never gonna fall.

After everything I've learned, now it's finally my turn.
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

The first time we walked under that starry sky,
There was a moment when everything was clear.
I didn't need to ask or even wonder why,
Because each question is answered when you're near.

And I'm wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds,
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

Now don't hold back, just let me know.
Could I be moving much too fast or way too slow?
'Cause all of my life, I've waited for this day.
To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I'll never be the same.

You'll never know what it's taken me to say these words.
And now that I've said them, they could never be enough.

As far as I can see, there's only you and only me.
This is the last time I'll fall in love.

Emotions Taking Me Over

May naganap na mobilization kaninang 10:30AM na nagsimula sa may Bellarmine Hall. Nanggaling ako sa 3rd floor nung mga oras na ‘yun dahil galing ako sa klase. Nakita ko ang ilang mga kaibigan ko na nakapulong sa may daanan ng sasakyan. Seryoso ang mga mukha nila at taimtim na nakikinig sa mga habilin ni Bro Rai. Inggit ang una ko’ng naramdaman nang makita ko sila. Inggit dahil gusto kong sumama. Gusto kong sumama kahit na alam ko na hindi pa ako nakapagdedesisyon ukol sa kung ano ba ang opinyon ko sa kahihinatnan ni GMA. Gusto ko’ng malaman ang katotohanan. Pero dahil may klase ako ng alas-dose, napagpasyahan ko na hindi sumama.

Dumeretso ako sa Mateo Ricci at ilang minuto lamang ay narinig ko na ang mga sigaw ng mga nagdedemonstrasyon. Iniikot pala nila ang buong campus. Nakakatawa pa na lumabas ako ng gusali, hindi dahil sasama ako sa kanila, kundi dahil pinulot ko ang nahulog kong ruler nung papasok ako ng gusali. May hiya akong naramdaman sa pagkakataong ‘yon. Nahiya ako dahil heto’t halos pinuntahan na ako ng grupong gusto ko’ng samahan pero literal ko silang tinalikuran noong pabalik ako ng gusali pagkapulot ng plastik na ruler.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob ng gusali, dalian ko’ng niligpit ang gamit ko. Mukhang desidido akong sasama sa kanila. May halos sampung tao ‘ata ‘yung kasama ko sa mesa. Walang may gustong sumama sa akin. Tinamaan na naman ako ng hiya. Nagtaka ako kung saan ito nanggaling. Umupo na lamang ako at nanahimik sandali.

Binalikan ko ang survey na pinasasagutan ng Puno ng Kamalayang Panlipunan ukol sa impeachment issue. Napilitan akong mamili sa mga limitadong solusyon sa isyu. Inisa-isa ko sila. Wala akong naramdaman kundi duda sa mga posibleng epekto ng mga “solusyong” ito. Napilitan akong mamili hindi dahil kailangan ko’ng pumili, kundi dahil sa kawalan ko ng alternatibong solusyon.

Binigyan ko pa ang sarili ko ng ilang minuto para pag-isipang mabuti ang bawat posibilidad na inihain sa akin. Bigla kong naalala ang sabi ng guro ko sa Teolohiya, na kahit limitado ang mga solusyon, kailangan pa ring mamili, at sa pagpili, tingnan kung alin sa mga pagpipilian ang para sa akin ang higit na may pag-asa. Binalikan kong muli ang papel, at sa wakas, nagkaroon na rin ako ng personal kong paninindigan ukol sa isyung ito.

Nagtaka naman ako kung bakit umabot pa ng ganito katagal ang pagdedesisyon ko, kung kailan natalo na ang pinanigan ko. Maaaring dahil sa survey ay napilitan akong umupo at pag-isipan talaga ito. Maaaring kinailangan ko muna’ng malaman na makatutulong sa pagdesisyon ko ang paghahanap ng pag-asa.

Bumalik ako sa naging pagdududa ko sa mga posibleng magiging epekto ng mga solusyong naimungkahi. Sa sobrang pagdududa ko, hindi ako nakakita ng alternatibong solusyon. Ngunit may kukurampot akong pag-asa na magiging maayos ang lahat. ‘Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung saan manggagaling ‘yung pag-asang tinutukoy ko.

Ayaw kong maniwala na wala nang pag-asa ang Pilipinas. Ika nga nila, habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Mawawalan ng katuturan ang lahat ng bagay kung mawawalan tayo ng pag-asa. Kahit na anong mangyari, may pag-asa pa rin.


*serious mode off*

Mga 9:40PM na ako nakauwi kagabi at pagkahapuna’y umupo na sa harapan ng computer. Halos 2:00AM na ako tumayo mula sa computer kaninang madaling araw sa pakikinig sa mga rambulan sa kongreso via DZBB online. Hindi ko inasahan na pagkapasok ko sa aking kwarto’y may naghihintay pala sa aking sorpresa.

To make the long story short, 3:15AM na ako nakatulog sa kaiiyak at nagdesisyong hindi na pumasok sa 7:30AM class ko.

You WERE the only person who knew how to surprise me.

You WERE always the best part of my day.

Manny has Many Money

I attended a presentation yesterday afternoon about the new student leadership center that will be constructed in campus. Majority of the students who attended, including myself, were amazed about the plans of how the building will look like & what will be put inside. Apart from the new building, there were several other developments in the coming months like the construction of a BIG swimming pool behind the College Covered Courts & the creation of the School of Medicine & Public Health. Several oohs & ahhs were let out all over the lecture hall.

After the presentation, I realized that not once was the ongoing political crisis mentioned. I thought, our school is spending so much money on the construction of this building for student leaders, but what kind of leaders, let alone what kind of students, is our school forming?

There will be another mobilization to Congress later at 10:30AM. Again, I don’t think I’d be able to go because of our thesis consultation at noon. Great. Apart from this, I got scared about what would happen over at Sandiganbayan, what with Cory Aquino & Susan Roces joining forces to go there. I'm a chicken sh*t.

I’m still awake listening to the goings-on in Congress. I can’t believe they’re still at it. If they spent this much time ACTUALLY doing something good for the country, maybe we won't be in such a mess.

On a lighter note, I'd like to quote a friend from a YM conversation we just had a while ago:

"Ayoko maging congressman, [lalo na kung laging puyatan at maraming kailangang i-deliberate]. Presidente na lang, para ikaw [ang] laging pinag-uusapan."

Good point.Ü

I think I need to sleep now. Zzz.

Dahil Wala Akong Makausap At Sinisipag Akong Mag-blog

First time ko'ng mag-overnight sa bahay ng kaibigan last Friday night. Pero sana talaga hindi trabaho 'yung ginawa namin sa first overnight ko. Hay.

Halos wala kaming tulog sa paggawa ng chapter 1 & 2 ng thesis proposal namin. Deadline was yesterday at noon. Kumaripas kami from Corinthian Gardens dahil 11:30AM na namin natapos 'yung paper. May mali pa nga sa printing pero we didn't realize it until we were already in White Plains. Kebs.

Buti na lang din Cha was able to help us with some of the questions we had about our thesis. She was our adviser-on-call, although when we tried calling her at around 6AM she was obviously fast asleep from watching An Affair to Remember for 4 straight times. (Malala ka na, bakla! hahaha)

We were running on chips, gum, chocolates, and Coke. I think the Coke worked on Hazel because she was the one up all night until she decided to sleep at 6-8AM. As for me & 3cia, we had several power naps throughout the evening. I still can't believe I fell asleep on the computer chair. It was pretty comfortable, I must say. hahaha

When we got to Ateneo, we went straight to CORD, where our thesis adviser's office was. When we got there, we were told that our teacher left for the Psy Dept that morning & had a messenger deliver all the submitted thesis proposals there just a few seconds before we got there. Yes, we saw the messenger outside the CORD building when we got off the car. hahaha

Since 3cia & I had a lot of bags with us from the overnight, Hazel rushed to the department & submitted the paper. 3cia & I slumped ourselves on a bench in the SS Foyer & waited for Cha's reply if she wanted to have lunch with us, since she said she wanted some company that day, plus we owed her for all the help she's given us. We decided to order pizzas & had it delivered to the Foyer. We were just too darn tired to move. I was feeling lightheaded & had a heavy feeling on my chest, probably caused by my lack of sleep.

When the pizza came, Cha was already there with us, plus Jose who was with her. We talked, shared some laughs, & got really full. 3cia & I finished our share of the pizza while Cha didn't want to eat her last piece. Good thing Doc T came by & we just gave him the last piece.

We saw Bea & Yanna coming from the Psy Dept at around past 12:30PM, I think, obviously having just passed their proposal. Bea decided to hang out with us while Yanna went on. Bea asked me if I wanted to watch "Anak Dalita" over at UP for our History bonus paper. We were both tired from doing our papers & we also had a lot of bags from our respective overnights. We decided to take a cab going to UP. We made a detour to My Place first because Bea had to drop off her contact prints. Bea told me that she was going to be fetched at UP after the movie & that I could be dropped off in Ateneo.

We got to UP on time. The movie was supposed to start at 2PM, but didn't until around 2:40PM. We spent the whole time before the movie just chit-chatting, which is something I really missed doing with her. When the film started, I was already afraid that I would doze off because of my lack of sleep, & true enough, I did fall asleep several times. I think that was the first time I slept on a movie in a movie house. Anyway, I think I was awake during the more important parts of the movie so I'm sure I could still write something about it in my paper.

Bea's mom fetched us at past 4PM & went back to Ateneo. It was raining pretty hard when we got there. Good thing I was able to ask Tin if I could hitch a ride with her going home. I got home at around 540PM, fixed my things, took a cold shower, & slept at around 6:20PM. I don't recall having been called to dinner that evening but I didnt' wake up until 1:20AM. I felt pretty much rested but I decided to stay in bed & didn't get up until 8AM.

Yes, I could've done something productive at 1:20AM like finish reading Utilitarianism for Philo, or the Personality Disorders chapter for Abnormal Psy, or I could've gone online to write this blog entry, or written at least one of the 4 papers I'm supposed to submit within the month, or do some long overdue org work. I could've done all that but didn't. Why? I don't want to say I was just lazy (which is probably the best answer) or tired (I just had a good night's sleep). I think I just didn't like the loneliness of the evening.

Anyway, the funny & frustrating part about Friday night was that some friends of ours had a sleepover, got themselves drunk & just had fun while we were slaving over our paper. Yes, nainggit ako. And I don't think I've really had any fun in a long time. Sure, I get to have my dose of laughter every now & then from being with friends, but actual fun is something almost alien to me now.

It's been a long time since I felt peace within me. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever felt peace within me. There's always something to worry about, something to be angry about, something to be sad about. Maybe it's impossible for a person to find absolute peace within himself until he actually dies. (Don't worry, I won't kill myself over this. hahaha) I think the closest any person would ever get to inner peace is the feeling of relief, which is sadly, fleeting. Still, I am thankful for the fleeting feeling of relief, because its absence teaches me how to hope.

Parang ayaw ko nang mag-type. I think I'm going to go back upstairs & watch a movie with my brother. To hell with the things I have to do. Mamaya na.