You've Got Mail

The author of this entry wishes to remain anonymous.

Today I finally got the courage to look at his picture, or to be more accurate, OUR picture. I never thought I'd still feel sad, but I still somehow feel happy. Looking back, I just know that those were one of the best days of my life and he was kind enough to help make them as they were.

I've learned from Philosophy class that some things would just have to end for you to find out how much they really mean. Think about endings as a form of death. Death scares us and seems too morbid for young ones to think about, but it's in knowing that we'll die one day that we realize what is more important to us - to live AND love while we still can.

I'd hate to leave something as sure as what I really felt about him. Now, I don't know what I feel anymore. Do I still miss him? Am I still looking for him? Why do I miss him today of ALL days? But the most important question to me is "Is he happy?" I ask God that every night, and God always gives me an assuring smile and nod. It was as if he were saying, "Why shouldn't he be if I'm always with him?" I know God loves him more than I ever can. I could only cross oceans of religion and culture just to be with him, but God was willing to cross the ocean seperating heaven and earth.

I don't know when I'll ever stop talking to God about him. Sometimes I ask God, "God, why do you still remind me of him whenever we talk? Don't you want me to be with just you?" But what is in my heart is that God was not only with me, he was with US. And he is with us in our joys and pains. I don't know if I'll still talk to God about him after tonight. Maybe I'm just waiting for God to assure me, to help me see that he really is happy. Yes, I think that's it. What I've been asking God for the longest time was "God PLEASE show him to me happy." But I don't think I ever can or ever will.

What I do know is that I have faith not only in God's love for him but in his love for God. I just know him enough to be sure, that wether or not he is happy, he is looking for God, the same way I look for him and God looks for us. This assures me that in the end, when this journey of love finally, finally ends - LOVE WILL TRIUMPH.